Bauvard Quotes

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children's future.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or department store after her husband starts coming home drunk.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.

If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.

People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.

Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.

If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.

Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I'm a pornithologist.

Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.

I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

I've never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I've never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which drives him to drink.

Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.

We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.

Bauvard Quotes

Biography

Bauvard Quotes

Share Page

Bauvard Wiki

Bauvard At Amazon

Best Quotes Ever Topics

Best Quotes Ever Authors