Funny And Random Quotes
Josh Stern
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
1988Josh Stern
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
4140 Josh Stern
Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs
1627 Josh Stern
If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried
2027 Josh Stern
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
2487 Josh Stern
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow
3273 Josh Stern
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
1858 Christy Leigh Stewart
Does anyone else day dream about what it would be like if specific age groups just dropped dead all across the world?
4863 Rick Riordan
Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.
3464 MaryJanice Davidson
I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago."
"Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?
2797 Christy Leigh Stewart
The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.
4032 Nenia Campbell
When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.
3720 Rose Brown
I envy the man to snatch him up. This will be the only time in life I’m siding with Freud and experiencing ‘penis envy’. There will never be a repeat. Can’t be associated with too much crazy, I’m juggling enough on my own.
1232 Oliver Oliver Reed
Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.
4895 Oliver Oliver Reed
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
1126 Oliver Oliver Reed
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
2172 Oliver Oliver Reed
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
2982 Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
3877 Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!
1107 Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.
3609 Oliver Oliver Reed
If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.
3834 Oliver Oliver Reed
What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?
-About 20 pounds.
-Yo mama carries more passengers.
-Not everyone's been on a 747.
1419 Gaurav Rao
Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist !
2238 Nenia Campbell
In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.
1528 Santosh Kalwar
Possibility of enjoying life makes death feel terrible.
1085 Sophia Bennett
I think I'm supposed to "take a sad song and make it better," but that's beyond my musical ability
2323 Santosh Kalwar
I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD.
1407 Josh Stern
Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
3062 
