Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Laughter is the therapy to detox you from stress. If becomes too much serious, a tint of laughter can again lighten it up. Funny quotes are the perfect pieces that can help you gain back that sparkling smile on your face.

George Carlin

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Robert Benchley

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings..
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Lily Tomlin

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Jerry Lewis

I've had great success being a total idiot. . Jerry Lewis
I've had great success being a total idiot.

Thomas Bernhard

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.. Thomas Bernhard
Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

Gilles Deleuze

If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.. Gilles Deleuze
If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.

Kjersti Annesdatter Skomsvold

I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that
I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.

Sandra Chami Kassis

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.. Sandra Chami Kassis
Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.

Amit Kalantri

Apart from the economic value, money does have high moral value.. Amit Kalantri
Apart from the economic value, money does have high moral value.

Lauren Dane

I laugh because your pain is amusing.. Lauren Dane
I laugh because your pain is amusing.

Oscar Wilde

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.. Oscar Wilde
If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

Josh Stern

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way
Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

Dora J. Arod

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.. Dora J.
My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.

Rebecca McNutt

Life is so funny sometimes that you just have to laugh.. Rebecca McNutt
Life is so funny sometimes that you just have to laugh.

Josh Stern

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

Josh Stern

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

Josh Stern

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society. Josh Stern
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Stephanie Lennox

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being
I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Jess C. Scott

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long. Good things
Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.

Good things come to those who wait.

Jess C. Scott

A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement. Jess C. Scott
A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement

Marian Keyes

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

Jess C. Scott

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Jess C. Scott

V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care
V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.

Jess C. Scott

Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.

Jess C. Scott

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

Rick Riordan

She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.

Jess C. Scott

Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.

Kirstie Alley

It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here.

Billy Sunday

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Mark Twain

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Wendy Mass

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All the time.

Alfred Hitchcock

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Lauren Myracle

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

James Dashner

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

Rick Riordan

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.

Pseudonymous Bosch

Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.

C. JoyBell C.

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if
I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

Jess C. Scott

The human body is the best work of art.. Jess C. Scott
The human body is the best work of art.

Bill Watterson

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

George Carlin

How is it possible to have a civil war?

R.A. Salvatore

Sane is boring.

George Carlin

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Rick Riordan

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

George Bernard Shaw

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

Ellen DeGeneres

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

Lili St. Crow

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

Anthony Horowitz

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.

Bauvard

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.

Jess C. Scott

Please, touch me, I pray.

Roman Payne

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.. Roman Payne
In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

Bauvard

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.

Dora J. Arod

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

Lance Armstrong

A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.

Don Roff

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

Jess C. Scott

I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

Christopher Paolini

Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.

Dakota Dawn

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.

Dakota Dawn

We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell.

Leah Raeder

Most of the time romance isn't even about love, anyway. It's about escape. Fantasy. Salvation from the mundane. Save me from boredom, from exhaustion, from my undersexed body, from microwave dinners and reality TV, from going to bed alone with a vibrator or a cat. Save me from my desperately ordinary life.

E.A. Bucchianeri

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

Roman Payne

When I touched her body,
I believed she was God.
In the curves of her form
I found the birth of Man,
the creation of the world,
and the origin of all life.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

When I turn back to Jase, he’s again beaming at me. “You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, “I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”
Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.

Elizabeth Englewood

Now if only I could spread the love between you two like I can spread this butter.

Charles Bukowski

girls
please give your
bodies and your
lives
to
the young men
who
deserve them

besides
there is
no way
I would welcome
the
intolerable
dull
senseless hell
you would bring
me

and
I wish you
luck
in bed
and
out

but not
in
mine

than

Roald Dahl

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

Josh Stern

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....

J. Michael Strazynski

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument...and the occasional bar fight.

John Green

The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.

Bernard Branson

Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.. Bernard Branson
Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.

Dean Koontz

In this world only the paranoid survive.. Dean Koontz
In this world only the paranoid survive.

Dave Barry

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

Rainbow Rowell

I don't like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I've never heard a phone ring before and I don't know what's supposed to happen next. Hello?

Isobelle Carmody

Maruman does not loll.

Lloyd Alexander

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

Wallace Wang

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

Benson Bruno

I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior.

Bauvard

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

Roman Payne

The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten.

E.A. Bucchianeri

It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.

Terry Pratchett

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.

Bauvard

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Hannah Vandegrift

I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.

Hayden Thorne

I'm sure the other kids wouldn't mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.

David Nicholls

Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words on scraps of litter, the back of a bus tickets, on the wall of a cell. Emma is lost on anything less than 120gsm.

Don Roff

When you're writing what you love, it's the most fun you can have with your clothing still on, unless of course, you write naked.

Félix J. Palma

There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions and slight southeasterly curvature of his manhood.

E.A. Bucchianeri

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

Don Roff

Love it when a compelling new character kicks open your mental door, tracks mud across your brain, and props their feet up on your cerebrum.

Ryan Lilly

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.

Ari Gold

Unless you're in an early seventies-era Eagles cover band, a founding member of a religious cult, or sleeping under a bridge in Seattle, lose the beard and get a haircut. Power doesn't have time for any form of hirsute hipster self expression.

Arthur Daley

The world is your lobster!

Liz Czukas

It's just...how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.

Sara Sheridan

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!

Sara Sheridan

I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

Alan Sheinwald

Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped

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