Humor Quotes
William Goldman
Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.
1329 Tessa Dare
Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.
1009 P.G. Wodehouse
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
3026 Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
2318 Alexandra Potter
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
3193 Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
1489 Steve Martin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
4739 Garrison Keillor
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
4047 Paul Terry
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
2227 Woody Allen
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
3649 Terry Pratchett
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
4676 George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
3093 Rita Mae Brown
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.
1942 John Wayne
Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.
2600 Terry Pratchett
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
4039 Oscar Levant
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
2319 Jerome K. Jerome
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
1744 Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
1010 Friedrich Nietzsche
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
4471 Oscar Wilde
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
2697 Lemony Snicket
I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.
2442 Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
1572 John Green
Some people have lives; some people have music.
1758 Becca Fitzpatrick
Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.
2844 George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
4280 Madonna
I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.
4264 Dorothy Parker
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
4806 George Carlin
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
1263 A.A. Milne
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
4787 Bette Midler
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
4998 Dorothy Parker
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
3716 Oscar Wilde
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
2176 Terry Pratchett
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
3258 Mark Twain
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
1064 Oscar Wilde
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
2088 Mae West
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
4582 Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
1121 Ellen DeGeneres
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
2432 John Green
I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.
3651 Gertrude Stein
It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.
3362 Rick Riordan
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
4396 Robert Benchley
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
2538 George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
2083 George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
3516 Oscar Wilde
I like men who have a future and women who have a past.
4895 Robin Williams
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
2766 Jim Butcher
Are you always a smartass?'
Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.
2039 Garrison Keillor
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
3113 George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
2041 David Sedaris
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
1565 Stephen King
Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.
2879 Kami Garcia
You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.
4129 Orson Welles
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
2350 Kurt Vonnegut
To be is to do - Socrates
To do is to be - Sartre
Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra
1880 Mark Twain
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
4991 Woody Allen
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
3886 Bill Watterson
In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
1203 Fran Lebowitz
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
3069 Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
4985 W.C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
1268 Markus Zusak
So much good, so much evil. Just add water.
4282 Paul McCartney
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
1932 Kurt Vonnegut
The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.
4068 Steve Martin
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
3298 Charles M. Schulz
Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.
1574 Peter Ustinov
I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.
1050 Lily Tomlin
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
4664 Woody Allen
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
1389 Jerry Lewis
I've had great success being a total idiot.
1026 Terry Pratchett
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
1898 P.G. Wodehouse
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
2391 George Bernard Shaw
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
1521 Douglas Adams
If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.
1426 Geoff Johns
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
3647 Dorothy Parker
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.
3376 John Green
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
3248 Joss Whedon
Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.
3927 Ellen DeGeneres
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
1768 George Carlin
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
1150 Kurt Cobain
They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.
3354 Terry Pratchett
The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
2745 Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
4716 Barney Stinson
When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.
1243 Stephen Colbert
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
3323 Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
4537 George Bernard Shaw
A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.
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