Sarcasm Quotes
Jim Butcher
Are you always a smartass?'
Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.
2039 Josh Stern
Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down
2399 Lorrie Moore
This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.
2597 P.G. Wodehouse
Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.
3721 J.K. Rowling
Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.
1219 Brandon Sanderson
You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny.
2123 Irina Dunn
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
1401 Jess C. Scott
If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.
3669 Heather Chapple
Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.
1170 Jessica Fortunato
The Bibbidi Bobbidi Beautiful boutique, the name filled me with dread.
2360 Michael Bassey Johnson
Anyone that says his mind will be probably regarded a fool, but the true artist is not moved by the comments about the looks of his painting or remarks that are dreadfully sarcastic, but hearken now! That he who says what others want to hear hasn't said anything of his own.
4843 Josh Stern
It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing
2420 Saurabh Sharma
Using love as a bait and replacing respect with ego-pampering makes you a skillful social animal; unfortunately, all kinds of animals are less evolved than human beings. Would you like to evolve?
2311 E.A. Bucchianeri
... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.
1436 Nenia Campbell
So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.
3717 Tom Robbins
All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.
2161 Kami Garcia
Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?"
"Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.
1347 Jane Austen
I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.
3300 Simone Elkeles
Hey, Carlos," the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?"
"It sucked."
"Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks.
"It really sucked," I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word.
2456 Shannon Hale
I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-"
"It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.
4224 J.K. Rowling
I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”
“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.
4551 Shannon Hale
Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.
1867 Michelle Hodkin
You like them," I realized.
Noah's eyebrows lifted in question.
"Like as people."
"As opposed to...furniture?"
"They're my PARENTS."
"That is my understanding, yes.
3087 Richelle Mead
You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.
1348 Anthony Horowitz
Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?"
"Is that including, or not including you?
3487 Kristin Walker
I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.'
'I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.
2969 Nalini Singh
How long have you been with Raphael?”
“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”
“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.”
-Venom and Elena
1426 Julia Quinn
She'd met Colin on a Monday.
She'd kissed him on a Friday.
Twelve years later.
She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.
3471 Anthony Horowitz
You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence.
4198 Suzanne Collins
Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at him
Tell him that. Thats not nothing.
Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.
1375 J.K. Rowling
Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.
3203 Gena Showalter
Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine.
3455 Cate Tiernan
Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."
I grinned. "I've noticed."
Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term."
"Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.
3834 Alan Bradley
I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.
4112 Terry Pratchett
Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.
2832 Lauren Kate
Cam's wings were so bright they were almost blinding as they pulsed.
"Holy Hell," Callie whispered, blinking.
"More or less," Arriane said
4819 Rick Riordan
Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.
"Yeah, here's a rare grocery list," Dan muttered. "Wow.
4128 Gayle Forman
Sarcasm creates a chasm between yourself and others.
3734 Carrie Ryan
You're stubborn- anyone ever tell you that before?
4064 Brad Pitt
All My Bitches Are Mad At Me Right Now.
4069 Ram Mohan
I'm so honest, that in order to compliment you, I'd improve you first.
1019 Peter Kreeft
By the way, if you get mad at your Mac laptop and wonder who designed this demonic device, notice the manufacturer's icon on top: an apple with a bite out of it.
3611 Ram Mohan
The theory of attachment is same for humans and computers.
Unknown sender's attachment is blocked..
Known sender's attachment is accepted or ignored..
Heavy attachments are annoying..
Too heavy attachments do not reach..
No attachment is the best option!
4959 Nicki Elson
You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.
1126 Nicki Elson
Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?
1721 Chanelle Gray
Hey,” he said.
“Hi.” Oh, damn. It was awkward.
“What’re you doing?”
“Shearing a sheep. It’s cold outside, and I need a new hat.”
He paused. “You’re joking, right?”
“Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.
1801 Jasper Fforde
You're just a huge romantic at heart, aren't you?"
"If there's cash involved, I'm anything you want me to be.
4766 Kris D'Agostino
I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable.
2087 Sherrilyn Kenyon
Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)
3305 Charles Dickens
The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.
4464 Patrick Ness
Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!"
The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise.
4716 Molly Harper
Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?
3439 F. Scott Fitzgerald
I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.
2492 L.J. Smith
Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?
1400 Sherrilyn Kenyon
Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. "How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?
2475 Trenton Lee Stewart
You've read half the books in this house? This whole house?"
"Well, approximately half." Sticky said. "To be more accurate, I suppose I've read more like" - his eyes went up as he calculated - "three sevenths? Yes, three sevenths."
"Only three sevenths?" said Kate, pretending to look disappointed. "And here I was prepared to be impressed.
1264 Sarah Rees Brennan
Oh," she said, in a very different way. "Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I'd love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day.
1449 Holly Hood
Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.
4865 Kendare Blake
You’re sure you didn’t leave? Didn’t try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don’t know, dismember some poor jogger?
3482 Sarah Rees Brennan
Oh, you need Alan to betray Nick and then you'll steal Nick's powers and kill them both," said Mae. "Great idea. Hey, can i come? I'll bring a picnic lunch if you promise not to let blood get on the sandwiches.
3498 Molly Harper
Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?"
"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.
1355 Molly Harper
Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh?
3262 Whitney Gracia Williams
I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world...
4358 Hannah Harrington
Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?
3510 Adam Rex
This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small."
"This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.
1397 Holly Hood
It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.
4562 Jeannette Walls
...even though I was getting better education at home than any of the kids in Toyah, I'd need to go to finishing school when I was thirteen, both to acquire social graces and to earn a diploma. Because in this world, Dad said, it's not enough to have a fine education. You need a piece of paper to prove you go it.
4947 Shrilal Shukla
वर्तमान शिक्षा-पद्धति रास्ते में पड़ी हुई कुतिया है, जिसे क%A
4376 Alexandra Adornetto
I have church on Sunday.”
“Of course you do.”
“You’re welcome to come along.”
“Thanks, but I’m allergic to incense.”
“That’s a shame.”
“It’s the bane of my existence.”
- Beth and Jake
3086 Banksy
At this time of year it's easy to forget the true meaning of Christianity - the lies, the corruption, the abuse.
2309 Stephen King
Oh no, praying is great, without it the thumbscrews and the Iron Maiden probably never would have been invented.
1254 Richard Stark
Well, it just figures," Younger told him, like a man explaining his religion.
4006 Jennifer Harrison
I am not being overly harsh. Overtly hostile, yes, but exactly the right amount of harsh.
3890 Megha Khare
It's easy to make women happier and busier. How? Buy her a talking mirror beside bitching it has to be programmed to say, "You are looking very beautiful and slimmer," at precisely every hour.
1960 Laura Pedersen
Relationships are so much like the United States - they only really thrive when faced with an external threat.
3091 Heather Chapple
Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by someone who looks like they graduated from Care Bear Carnage University.
4013 Meghan Apriceno
If walls could talk - scratch that, if walls could make sarcastic comments... well, things would be interesting.
3565 Oscar Wilde
What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.
American novels, answered Lord Henry.
3833 Becca Fitzpatrick
What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.
1231 Anthony Horowitz
The platform underneath the balloon fell on her as she was trying to escape," she explained. "She was crushed."
"I'd have been disappointed too.
4792 Marcus Tullius Cicero
Here is a man whose life and actions the world has already condemned - yet whose enormous fortune...has already brought him acquittal!
1100 Howard Tayler
Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.
1689 Philip Catshill
I get my share of mud flung my way, but the secret is to dance in the rain and the mud will wash away.
4833 George R.R. Martin
That's one way we differ, Jaime and I. He's taller as well, you may have noticed.
1563 Agatha Christie
In fact,' said Poirot, 'she stabbed him in the dark, not realising that he was dead already, but somehow deduced that he had a watch in his pyjama pocket, took it out, put back the hands blindly and gave it the requisite dent.
1151 John Green
We are literally in the heart of Jesus," he said.
"I thought we were in a church basement, but we are literally in the heart of Jesus."
"Someone should tell Jesus," I said. "I mean, it's gotta be dangerous, storing children with cancer in your heart.
1411 Bill Lawrence
Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.
[points to self]
2508 Richelle Mead
Truly," remarked Nandi as we entered a darkened tunnel, "it is amazing that you have not died yet, mistress." "Well, hang in there. The night is young.
3432 Michael Bassey Johnson
Short men are happy, for they can pass easily through the door. Tall men are happy, for they can stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, short men are angry, for they cannot stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, tall men are angry, for they cannot pass easily through the door.
4707 Robert Galbraith
Im.’ The monosyllable was heavy with contempt. ‘’E’s a twat.’
‘Is he?’
‘Yeah, ’e is. Ask Kieran.’
She gave the impression that she and Kieran stood together, sane, dispassionate observers of the idiots populating Lula’s world.
3792 Karen Quan
Push my buttons, and I'll push you off a bridge.
3770 David C Holley
Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.
4067 Diana Peterfreund
There are a few things that even sarcasm can't protect you from.
4882 Harry S. Truman
You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!
2197 Bernie Sanders
The rich and large corporations get richer, the CEOs earn huge compensation packages, and when things get bad, don't worry; Uncle Sam and the American taxpayers are here to bail you out. But when you are in trouble, well, we just can't afford to help you, if you are in the working class or middle class of this country.
2285