Craig Ferguson Quotes

Craig Ferguson Quotes

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.

I do have a knack for finding great women.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.

Whoever I had become had to die.

Ros was dead.

He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me.

Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.

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