Funny QuotesLaughter is the therapy to detox you from stress. If becomes too much serious, a tint of laughter can again lighten it up. Funny quotes are the perfect pieces that can help you gain back that sparkling smile on your face. |
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
I've had great success being a total idiot.
Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.
If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.
I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.
Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.
Apart from the economic value, money does have high moral value.
I laugh because your pain is amusing.
If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.
Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down
My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.
Life is so funny sometimes that you just have to laugh.
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?
Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.
A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement
Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.
I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.
Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.
My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.
She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.
Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.
It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All the time.
Puns are the highest form of literature.
You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!
You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!
She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.
Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.
I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!
The human body is the best work of art.
When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Sane is boring.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.
I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.
Please, touch me, I pray.
In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.
I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.
I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.
A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.
The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.
I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?
Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.
Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.
We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell.
Most of the time romance isn't even about love, anyway. It's about escape. Fantasy. Salvation from the mundane. Save me from boredom, from exhaustion, from my undersexed body, from microwave dinners and reality TV, from going to bed alone with a vibrator or a cat. Save me from my desperately ordinary life.
One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.
When I touched her body,
I believed she was God.
In the curves of her form
I found the birth of Man,
the creation of the world,
and the origin of all life.
I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.
Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.
When I turn back to Jase, he’s again beaming at me. “You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.
Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, “I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”
Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.
Now if only I could spread the love between you two like I can spread this butter.
girls
please give your
bodies and your
lives
to
the young men
who
deserve them
besides
there is
no way
I would welcome
the
intolerable
dull
senseless hell
you would bring
me
and
I wish you
luck
in bed
and
out
but not
in
mine
than
Don't gobblefunk around with words.
If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....
A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument...and the occasional bar fight.
The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.
Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.
In this world only the paranoid survive.
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
I don't like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I've never heard a phone ring before and I don't know what's supposed to happen next. Hello?
Maruman does not loll.
Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.
I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.
I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior.
I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.
The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten.
It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.
Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.
I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.
I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.
I'm sure the other kids wouldn't mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.
Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words on scraps of litter, the back of a bus tickets, on the wall of a cell. Emma is lost on anything less than 120gsm.
When you're writing what you love, it's the most fun you can have with your clothing still on, unless of course, you write naked.
There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions and slight southeasterly curvature of his manhood.
If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.
Love it when a compelling new character kicks open your mental door, tracks mud across your brain, and props their feet up on your cerebrum.
I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.
Unless you're in an early seventies-era Eagles cover band, a founding member of a religious cult, or sleeping under a bridge in Seattle, lose the beard and get a haircut. Power doesn't have time for any form of hirsute hipster self expression.
The world is your lobster!
It's just...how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.
Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!
I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.
Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...
Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped