Bill Watterson Quotes

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for the trouble.

Isn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity.

In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive.

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

The world isn't fair, Calvin."
"I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

Now what state do you live in?'
'Denial.

From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.

I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
-Calvin

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

Hobbes: Do you think there's a God?
Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me!

If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.

CALVIN:
When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.

CALVIN:
As usual goodness hardly puts up a fight.

In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the long term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.

HOBBES:
Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.

HOBBES:
If you don't get a goodnight kiss you get Kafka dreams.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

From now on I’ll connect the dots my own way.

Calvin:"It says here that 'religion is the opiate of the masses.'...what do you suppose that means?"
Television: "...it means that Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

You can present the material, but you can't make me care.

That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.

Rainy days should be spent at home with a cup of tea and a good book.

On gray days, when it's snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you'll just read a good book all day, and he'd allow you to stay home.

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?

How come we play war and not peace?"
"Too few role models.

At school, new ideas are thrust at you every day. Out in the world, you'll have to find your inner motivation to seek for new ideas on your own.

History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.

I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness.

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

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