Humor Quotes

Scott Adams

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!. Scott Adams
I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

William Goldman

Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.

Tessa Dare

Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.

P.G. Wodehouse

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

Joseph E. Morris

I love you and it's getting worse.

Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Alexandra Potter

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe..
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Frank Zappa

So many books, so little time.

Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Garrison Keillor

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Paul Terry

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Terry Pratchett

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Rita Mae Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

John Wayne

Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.

Terry Pratchett

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Oscar Levant

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Jerome K. Jerome

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Woody Allen

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Friedrich Nietzsche

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!. Friedrich
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Winston S. Churchill

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

Oscar Wilde

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

Lemony Snicket

I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.. Lemony
I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

John Green

Some people have lives; some people have music.. John Green
Some people have lives; some people have music.

Becca Fitzpatrick

Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Madonna

I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

Terry Pratchett

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.. Terry Pratchett
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Dorothy Parker

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

George Carlin

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A.A. Milne

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.. A.A. Milne
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Bette Midler

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.. Bette
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

Albert Einstein

Black holes are where God divided by zero.. Albert Einstein
Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Dorothy Parker

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Oscar Wilde

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.. Oscar Wilde
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Terry Pratchett

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.. Terry Pratchett
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

Mark Twain

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.. Mark Twain
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Terry Pratchett

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.. Terry Pratchett
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

Oscar Wilde

I have nothing to declare except my genius.. Oscar Wilde
I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Mae West

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

John Green

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.. John Green
I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

Gertrude Stein

It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.

Rick Riordan

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

Robert Benchley

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings..
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

George Carlin

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Oscar Wilde

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.. Oscar Wilde
I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Christopher Paolini

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

Jim Butcher

Are you always a smartass?' Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.. Jim Butcher
Are you always a smartass?'

Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Garrison Keillor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

David Sedaris

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Stephen King

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.. Stephen King
Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

Kami Garcia

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

Orson Welles

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Kurt Vonnegut

To be is to do - Socrates To do is to be - Sartre Do Be
To be is to do - Socrates

To do is to be - Sartre

Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra

Mark Twain

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead..
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

Napoléon Bonaparte

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

Woody Allen

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.. Woody Allen
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Bill Watterson

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Fran Lebowitz

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

W.C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Markus Zusak

So much good, so much evil. Just add water.. Markus Zusak
So much good, so much evil. Just add water.

Paul McCartney

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Kurt Vonnegut

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.. Kurt Vonnegut
The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.

Steve Martin

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Charles M. Schulz

Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.

Winston S. Churchill

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Peter Ustinov

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

Lily Tomlin

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Woody Allen

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Jerry Lewis

I've had great success being a total idiot. . Jerry Lewis
I've had great success being a total idiot.

Terry Pratchett

Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?. Terry Pratchett
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?

Terry Pratchett

This book was written using 100% recycled words.. Terry Pratchett
This book was written using 100% recycled words.

Benjamin Franklin

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

P.G. Wodehouse

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

George Bernard Shaw

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world..
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Douglas Adams

If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's
If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.

Geoff Johns

I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.

Dorothy Parker

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

John Green

Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.

George Carlin

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Joss Whedon

Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.

Ellen DeGeneres

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Kurt Cobain

They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.

Terry Pratchett

The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.. Terry Pratchett
The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.

Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Barney Stinson

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

Thomas Bernhard

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.. Thomas Bernhard
Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

Stephen Colbert

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

George Bernard Shaw

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may
A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

Share Page

Similar Humor Quotes Topics