Howard Tayler Quotes
Howard Tayler Quotes
Technically, you don't pay me.
And technically, most of what I do is "think."
I...rrr. ummm.
And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.
-Ennesby & Captain Tagon
4432 Maxim 3:
An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
3177 Where's your sense of adventure?
It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.
-Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn
1674 Maxim 29:
The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
2692 Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.
1533 Maxim 37:
There is no "overkill".
There is only "open fire" and "time to reload".
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
1729 Right now I've got just two rules to live by.
Rule one: don't taunt elephants.
Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.
-Sergeant Schlock
1982 Maxim 11:
Everything is air-droppable at least once.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
3459 Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.
3844 The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?"
"Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!"
"I guess that explains their rich military history, then.
1674 Maxim 8:
Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
4947 Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.
1689 Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.
Munitions Commander? Why me?
I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn
1723 Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over.
Not guilty.
Also, it's not very nice to lie in court.
But it beats extradition.
-Petey & Captain Tagon
3233 Hi. I'm here to enlist.
You can't. You aren't human.
You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."
Sounds like my kind of fun.
-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs
2933 As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.
-Captain Tagon
3997 Maxim 36:
When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
2330 Maxim 6:
If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
1903 Maxim 4:
Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
3798 Maxim 16:
Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
3598 Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.
Actually I'm finished.
In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?
After a fashion.
...
I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn
2202 When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn
2542 Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff."
"Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?"
"No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.
4202 That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant."
"Well, the elephant started it."
"That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."
-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock
3848 Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.
None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.
-Captain Tagon & Ennesby
2249 So you're a fellow mercenary, then.
Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?
Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.
-Elf, Glamour Assault Host, & Doctor Bunnigus
1325 No! Wait! I've got a better idea..."
"Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock."
"And your point is..."
"Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'."
-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon
1907 I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.
-Captain Tagon
2339 You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being.
It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.
-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Petey
3596 Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?
-Sergeant Schlock
3215 Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station "talks" to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside.
How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?
I had one on me.
-Commander Andreyasn & Ennesby
2440 How many words are you having trouble with, sir?
Just the ones that I've highlighted.
I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph.
That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon
3262 Do me a favor, doc?"
"Anything, Captain."
"Stop italicizing the word 'Captain' when you say it."
"Go easy on the fourth wall there, sir."
-Captain Andreyasn & Doctor Bunnigus
4431 We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.
-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon
4717 AAAAIIIE!
You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing!
Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?
-Sergeant Schlock
1341 Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.
Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?
See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?
-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon
4649 Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your owm 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.
-Doctor Bunnigus
3977 Being a mercenary, though... Hey, we just go wherever there's a mixture of money and trouble, and everyone in the galaxy is a potential customer.
Even the people you're paid to shoot at?
Well, yeah. There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General Tagon
1341 This document outlines our plan to perpetrate insurance fraud, insider trading, and character assassination.
...hopefully tripling our paycheck on this job.
Okay, see? Those words I understand just fine. Use them more often.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon
4164