Howard Tayler Quotes

Howard Tayler Quotes

Technically, you don't pay me.
And technically, most of what I do is "think."

I...rrr. ummm.

And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.
-Ennesby & Captain Tagon

Maxim 3:
An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Where's your sense of adventure?

It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.
-Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn

Maxim 29:
The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.

Maxim 37:
There is no "overkill".
There is only "open fire" and "time to reload".

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Right now I've got just two rules to live by.

Rule one: don't taunt elephants.
Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.

-Sergeant Schlock

Maxim 11:
Everything is air-droppable at least once.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.

The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?"

"Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!"

"I guess that explains their rich military history, then.

Maxim 8:
Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.

Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.

Munitions Commander? Why me?

I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn

Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over.

Not guilty.

Also, it's not very nice to lie in court.

But it beats extradition.
-Petey & Captain Tagon

Hi. I'm here to enlist.

You can't. You aren't human.
You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."

Sounds like my kind of fun.
-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs

As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.
-Captain Tagon

Maxim 36:
When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Maxim 6:
If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Maxim 4:
Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Maxim 16:
Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.

-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.

Actually I'm finished.

In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?

After a fashion.


I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn

When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn

Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff."

"Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?"

"No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.

That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant."

"Well, the elephant started it."

"That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."

-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock

Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.

None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.
-Captain Tagon & Ennesby

So you're a fellow mercenary, then.

Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?

Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.
-Elf, Glamour Assault Host, & Doctor Bunnigus

No! Wait! I've got a better idea..."

"Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock."

"And your point is..."

"Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'."

-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon

I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.
-Captain Tagon

You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being.

It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.
-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Petey

Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?
-Sergeant Schlock

Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station "talks" to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside.

How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?

I had one on me.
-Commander Andreyasn & Ennesby

How many words are you having trouble with, sir?

Just the ones that I've highlighted.

I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph.

That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon

Do me a favor, doc?"

"Anything, Captain."

"Stop italicizing the word 'Captain' when you say it."

"Go easy on the fourth wall there, sir."
-Captain Andreyasn & Doctor Bunnigus

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.
-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon


You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing!

Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?
-Sergeant Schlock

Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.

Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?

See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?
-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon

Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your owm 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.
-Doctor Bunnigus

Being a mercenary, though... Hey, we just go wherever there's a mixture of money and trouble, and everyone in the galaxy is a potential customer.

Even the people you're paid to shoot at?

Well, yeah. There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General Tagon

This document outlines our plan to perpetrate insurance fraud, insider trading, and character assassination.
...hopefully tripling our paycheck on this job.

Okay, see? Those words I understand just fine. Use them more often.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon

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