Sarcasm Quotes

Jim Butcher

Are you always a smartass?' Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.. Jim Butcher
Are you always a smartass?'

Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Josh Stern

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way
Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

Lorrie Moore

This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.

P.G. Wodehouse

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its
Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.

J.K. Rowling

Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter? Yes, said Harry stiffly.
Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.

Brandon Sanderson

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.

It's really funny.

Oliver Goldsmith

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.

Irina Dunn

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Jess C. Scott

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

Heather Chapple

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.

Jessica Fortunato

The Bibbidi Bobbidi Beautiful boutique, the name filled me with dread.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Anyone that says his mind will be probably regarded a fool, but the true artist is not moved by the comments about the looks of his painting or remarks that are dreadfully sarcastic, but hearken now! That he who says what others want to hear hasn't said anything of his own.

Josh Stern

It's not hard to's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

Saurabh Sharma

Using love as a bait and replacing respect with ego-pampering makes you a skillful social animal; unfortunately, all kinds of animals are less evolved than human beings. Would you like to evolve?

E.A. Bucchianeri

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.

Nenia Campbell

So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.

Tom Robbins

All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves
All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.

Kami Garcia

Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?"
"Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.

Kelley Armstrong

If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.

Jane Austen

I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.

Simone Elkeles

Hey, Carlos," the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?"
"It sucked."
"Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks.
"It really sucked," I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word.

Shannon Hale

I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-"
"It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.

J.K. Rowling

I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”
“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.

Shannon Hale

Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.

Michelle Hodkin

You like them," I realized.
Noah's eyebrows lifted in question.
"Like as people."
"As opposed"
"They're my PARENTS."
"That is my understanding, yes.

Richelle Mead

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

Sarah Rees Brennan

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

Anthony Horowitz

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?"
"Is that including, or not including you?

Kristin Walker

I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.'

'I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.

Nalini Singh

How long have you been with Raphael?”
“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”
“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.”
-Venom and Elena

Julia Quinn

She'd met Colin on a Monday.
She'd kissed him on a Friday.
Twelve years later.
She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

Anthony Horowitz

You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence.

Suzanne Collins

Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at him
Tell him that. Thats not nothing.
Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.

J.K. Rowling

Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.

Gena Showalter

Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine.

Cate Tiernan

Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."
I grinned. "I've noticed."
Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term."
"Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.

Alan Bradley

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

Terry Pratchett

Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.

Lauren Kate

Cam's wings were so bright they were almost blinding as they pulsed.
"Holy Hell," Callie whispered, blinking.
"More or less," Arriane said

Rick Riordan

Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.
"Yeah, here's a rare grocery list," Dan muttered. "Wow.

Gayle Forman

Sarcasm creates a chasm between yourself and others.

Jennifer Salaiz

How 'bout a shot of truth in that denial cocktail.

Carrie Ryan

You're stubborn- anyone ever tell you that before?

Brad Pitt

All My Bitches Are Mad At Me Right Now.

Ram Mohan

I'm so honest, that in order to compliment you, I'd improve you first.

Peter Kreeft

By the way, if you get mad at your Mac laptop and wonder who designed this demonic device, notice the manufacturer's icon on top: an apple with a bite out of it.

Ram Mohan

The theory of attachment is same for humans and computers.
Unknown sender's attachment is blocked..
Known sender's attachment is accepted or ignored..
Heavy attachments are annoying..
Too heavy attachments do not reach..
No attachment is the best option!

Nicki Elson

You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.

Nicki Elson

Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?

Chanelle Gray

Hey,” he said.
“Hi.” Oh, damn. It was awkward.
“What’re you doing?”
“Shearing a sheep. It’s cold outside, and I need a new hat.”
He paused. “You’re joking, right?”
“Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

Jasper Fforde

You're just a huge romantic at heart, aren't you?"
"If there's cash involved, I'm anything you want me to be.

Kris D'Agostino

I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)

Charles Dickens

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.

Patrick Ness

Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!"
The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise.

Molly Harper

Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?

F. Scott Fitzgerald

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

L.J. Smith

Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. "How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?

Trenton Lee Stewart

You've read half the books in this house? This whole house?"
"Well, approximately half." Sticky said. "To be more accurate, I suppose I've read more like" - his eyes went up as he calculated - "three sevenths? Yes, three sevenths."
"Only three sevenths?" said Kate, pretending to look disappointed. "And here I was prepared to be impressed.

Sarah Rees Brennan

Oh," she said, in a very different way. "Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I'd love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day.

Holly Hood

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

Kendare Blake

You’re sure you didn’t leave? Didn’t try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don’t know, dismember some poor jogger?

Sarah Rees Brennan

Oh, you need Alan to betray Nick and then you'll steal Nick's powers and kill them both," said Mae. "Great idea. Hey, can i come? I'll bring a picnic lunch if you promise not to let blood get on the sandwiches.

Molly Harper

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?"
"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.

Molly Harper

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh?

Whitney Gracia Williams

I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world...

Hannah Harrington

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

Adam Rex

This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small."
"This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.

Holly Hood

It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.

Jeannette Walls

...even though I was getting better education at home than any of the kids in Toyah, I'd need to go to finishing school when I was thirteen, both to acquire social graces and to earn a diploma. Because in this world, Dad said, it's not enough to have a fine education. You need a piece of paper to prove you go it.

Shrilal Shukla

वर्तमान शिक्षा-पद्धति रास्ते में पड़ी हुई कुतिया है, जिसे क%A

Alexandra Adornetto

I have church on Sunday.”
“Of course you do.”
“You’re welcome to come along.”
“Thanks, but I’m allergic to incense.”
“That’s a shame.”
“It’s the bane of my existence.”
- Beth and Jake


At this time of year it's easy to forget the true meaning of Christianity - the lies, the corruption, the abuse.

Stephen King

Oh no, praying is great, without it the thumbscrews and the Iron Maiden probably never would have been invented.

Richard Stark

Well, it just figures," Younger told him, like a man explaining his religion.

Jennifer Harrison

I am not being overly harsh. Overtly hostile, yes, but exactly the right amount of harsh.

Megha Khare

It's easy to make women happier and busier. How? Buy her a talking mirror beside bitching it has to be programmed to say, "You are looking very beautiful and slimmer," at precisely every hour.

Laura Pedersen

Relationships are so much like the United States - they only really thrive when faced with an external threat.

Heather Chapple

Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by someone who looks like they graduated from Care Bear Carnage University.

Meghan Apriceno

If walls could talk - scratch that, if walls could make sarcastic comments... well, things would be interesting.

Oscar Wilde

What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.

American novels, answered Lord Henry.

Becca Fitzpatrick

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

Anthony Horowitz

The platform underneath the balloon fell on her as she was trying to escape," she explained. "She was crushed."
"I'd have been disappointed too.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Here is a man whose life and actions the world has already condemned - yet whose enormous fortune...has already brought him acquittal!

Howard Tayler

Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.

Lori Lansens

Resilience, thy name is Devine.

Philip Catshill

I get my share of mud flung my way, but the secret is to dance in the rain and the mud will wash away.

George R.R. Martin

That's one way we differ, Jaime and I. He's taller as well, you may have noticed.

Carla H. Krueger

Happy endings. *Groan*

Agatha Christie

In fact,' said Poirot, 'she stabbed him in the dark, not realising that he was dead already, but somehow deduced that he had a watch in his pyjama pocket, took it out, put back the hands blindly and gave it the requisite dent.

John Green

We are literally in the heart of Jesus," he said.
"I thought we were in a church basement, but we are literally in the heart of Jesus."
"Someone should tell Jesus," I said. "I mean, it's gotta be dangerous, storing children with cancer in your heart.

Bill Lawrence

Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.

[points to self]

Richelle Mead

Truly," remarked Nandi as we entered a darkened tunnel, "it is amazing that you have not died yet, mistress." "Well, hang in there. The night is young.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Short men are happy, for they can pass easily through the door. Tall men are happy, for they can stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, short men are angry, for they cannot stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, tall men are angry, for they cannot pass easily through the door.

Robert Galbraith

Im.’ The monosyllable was heavy with contempt. ‘’E’s a twat.’
‘Is he?’
‘Yeah, ’e is. Ask Kieran.’
She gave the impression that she and Kieran stood together, sane, dispassionate observers of the idiots populating Lula’s world.

Karen Quan

Push my buttons, and I'll push you off a bridge. 

David C Holley

Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.

Anthony Trollope

A woman's weapon is her tongue.

Diana Peterfreund

There are a few things that even sarcasm can't protect you from.

Harry S. Truman

You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!

Bernie Sanders

The rich and large corporations get richer, the CEOs earn huge compensation packages, and when things get bad, don't worry; Uncle Sam and the American taxpayers are here to bail you out. But when you are in trouble, well, we just can't afford to help you, if you are in the working class or middle class of this country.

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