Humorous Quotes
Mo Willems
If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
3363Lili St. Crow
Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
3668 Lloyd Alexander
Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.
4743 Félix J. Palma
There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions and slight southeasterly curvature of his manhood.
1004 Crystal Woods
People who always arrive early aren't worth waiting for.
3251 E.A. Bucchianeri
Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...
3339 E.J. Stevens
Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.
2283 Félix J. Palma
Why had his mother gone to the trouble of bringing him into the world if the most exciting moment in his life was having been made lame by a bayonet?
4239 Russell Beland
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".
3098 E.A. Bucchianeri
If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.
3918 Shomprakash Sinha Roy
Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.
4449 Hiroko Sakai
When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account...
1340 Josephine Angelini
I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid.
1221 Edward Verrall Lucas
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
3895 Derek Landy
I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.
4135 Derek Landy
Plans are invitation to disappointment.
2041 Derek Landy
You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?
2746 Zoë Marriott
To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans
4678 Terry Pratchett
It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane.
1577 Abhishek Shukla
To be successful in life , Plan, Implement, Revise, Update, and Build on Change.
2154 Abhishek Shukla
Start wherever you are! Low hanging fruit really tastes as good as the high stuff.
1578 Carroll Bryant
I strive for perfection - I settle for satisfaction
1174 David Mitchell
The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.
3737 Benny Bellamacina
Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.
And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺
4221 Abhishek Shukla
To enjoy a peaceful & Beautiful Life We should open our 'EYE' and Close our 'I
4982 Abhishek Shukla
Have and show motivation to do and learn. That's the key for a good career. Everything else is an extrapolation of that.
3492 Abhishek Shukla
The only enemy which stands between the talent you posses and success you achieve is known as "EGO" in our Society
3278 Abhishek Shukla
The only way to be content in life is to make sure your NEED don't become GREED.
3963 Abhishek Shukla
Theres no competition in DESTINY. Run your own RACE and wish others WELL!!!
1566 Abhishek Shukla
The most important principle for self discovery and to taste success is rather than changing other's attitude changes your own. And always remember same sun which melts the butter also hardens the clay
1607 Abhishek Shukla
Being Wise & Being Smart are two different things anyone can be smart but those who master the art of knowing what to overlook in this journey called life deserves to be called Wise
1471 Abhishek Shukla
The only goal in life is to be happy, genuinely, intensely and consistently , regardless of what it looks like to others.
4279 Abhishek Shukla
It’s all about “Priorities” There's No Such Thing as "Busy
3894 Abhishek Shukla
Find answers in your weakness and surprise in your strength and always remember the golden rule every failure has HOPES
2492 Abhishek Shukla
The only principle of Success in Life :"You must be present to win.
1445 Abhishek Shukla
The only difference between success and failure is Lack of Vision
2940 Abhishek Shukla
Don’t be afraid of failures it takes courage to try new things & only those who try create History.
3507 Abhishek Shukla
Always follow your dreams with confidence and conviction, don’t fall for the trap of dream killers
4040 Abhishek Shukla
Life is same for everyone. The difference is only that some are living by heart and some for only sake of living
4779 Abhishek Shukla
What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life
2437 Abhishek Shukla
The thing about our choices is that after we have made them, they turn around and make us.
3167 Abhishek Shukla
Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. Take chances and never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you.
1862 Abhishek Shukla
Living your life is a task so difficult it has never been attempted before.
4710 Abhishek Shukla
The only unreachable dream is the one you don’t reach for.
3285 Abhishek Shukla
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.
2875 Abhishek Shukla
As long as we have MEMORIES, yesterday REMAINS and as long as we have HOPE, tomorrow AWAITS...
3458 Abhishek Shukla
The richest people in the world build networks and invest in people; everyone else looks for work and invests in survival.
2433 Abhishek Shukla
Sometimes life is like living in a chamber of Liquid Oxygen. Liquid don't allow you to live and Oxygen don't let you die.
1745 Abhishek Shukla
IF you want to be a winner than follow one simple rule and feed it in your mind. Take each task and work as " Do it yourself project.
2422 Abhishek Shukla
MISUNDERSTANDING" arises only when you see the things with Closed Eyes
4573 Abhishek Shukla
A wise man is someone who knows how to convert obstacles into resources.
3521 Abhishek Shukla
For all those who say its a Man world. Respect Women Its their World we are just guest here
2669 Abhishek Shukla
True Relations never break and relation which breaks were never true
2664 Abhishek Shukla
THE Biggest enemy of Truth is known as Facts in our Society
4103 Abhishek Shukla
No matter what goals you set to accomplish always remember there is a thing known as Life which you should never forget to live and enjoy
4293 Abhishek Shukla
Two powerful factors which creates difference between destroying your relationship and deepening it are EGO and Attitude
1863 Abhishek Shukla
TAKE Risk because you never know how absolutely perfect something could turn out to be..
1064 Nitesh Nishad
Forget your past,
Use your pain;
Accept that pain,
And Achieve the gain.
1831 Tessa Dare
I'm infatuated with you, I cannot deny it. Physically speaking, you're a very attractive man. But I don't like you, the vast majority of the time. So far as I can gather, you behave abominably in public and are only marginally better in private. I only find you remotely tolerable when you're kissing me.
1248 Evangeline Anderson
Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants.
3406 Lisa Kleypas
She shook her head as she confessed, "I want it so much, I'm afraid to hope."
"Never be afraid to hope," Rohan said gently. "It's the
only way to begin."
-Rohan to Win
1931 Dianna Hardy
You ever had a hickey? I want to give you a hickey."
"Karl, we're not fourteen!"
"Don't bloody care. I was in love with you when I was fourteen - your neck owes me a hickey."
(Karl & Elena)
4287 Kate Noble
The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed." Winnifred Crane
1517 Maggie Osborne
Listen. Just because we got a mutual hankering, doesn't mean we have to act on it. Aside from the hankering, there isn't much about you that I like. So far, you've been a pain in the behind. And I might as well tell you, I've followed through on one hankering and getting shot was more of an enjoyable experience. I didn't like it.
1320 Vanessa Jaye
Looks to me like Felicity didn’t enjoy being mauled,” Daniel pointed out reasonably. When what he reasonably wanted to do, was shove Stuart’s head so far up his ass the next time he gargled he’d give himself a colonic. -Felicity Stripped Bare
1023 Neil Gaiman
The real problem with stories - if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.
3503 Douglas Adams
But unless we determine to take action,' said the old man querulously, as if struggling against something deeply insouciant in his nature, 'then we shall all be destroyed, we shall all die. Surely we care about that?' 'Not enough to want to get killed over it,' said Ford.
1234 Neil Gaiman
It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. And then when the pretty women walk over my grave I would grab their ankles, like in that movie.
1831 Carroll Bryant
Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.
2742 Chelsea Handler
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
1775 Victor Borge
(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?
4239 Victor Borge
One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.
1796 Lloyd Alexander
-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid.
4450 Jennifer L. Armentrout
I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."
His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things."
"What?"
The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.
2563 Carroll Bryant
One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.
4820 Chelsea Handler
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
1673 Victor Borge
I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
3667 Nick Shamhart
Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.
1694 Kinky Friedman
If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.
3865 Terry Pratchett
People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
4371 Christopher Moore
And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers-I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)
2195 Victor Borge
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
3233 Victor Borge
(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?
4598 Carroll Bryant
What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.
1146 Terry Pratchett
She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.
1224 Carroll Bryant
All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.
2003 Carroll Bryant
How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?
4341 Carroll Bryant
When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!
2895 
