Woody Allen Quotes

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

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To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

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You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

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All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

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It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

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If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

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Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

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I read in self-defense.

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If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

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Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

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Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

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The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

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If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

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There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

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Eighty percent of success is showing up.

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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

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True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of eighty is left in a room with two eighteen-year-old cocktail waitresses nothing happens.

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In order to be a writer, "Maugham continues: "one must take chances and not be afraid to look foolish. I wrote The Razor's Edge while wearing a paper hat….

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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

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Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

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Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

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I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

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Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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The most expensive sex is free sex

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-Mary: Il sesso senza amore è un'esperienza vuota!
-Isaac: Beh, ma tra le esperienze vuote è una delle migliori.

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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

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He's dreaming, Cloquet thought, as he stood over him, revolver in hand.
He's dreaming, and I exist in reality. Cloquet hated reality but realized it was
still the only place to get a good steak.

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You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life

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[...] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day.

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I hate when art becomes a religion. I feel the opposite. When you start putting a higher value on works of art than people, you’re forfeiting your humanity." - Woody Allen

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I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

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