Bill Maher Quotes

Bill Maher Quotes

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them."

(The Decider, July 21, 2007)

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!

Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.

Fascism is when corporations become the government.

But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it's being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it's that much more of an insult, that you're not even worth noticing.

We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected.

We convince ourselves that even our shameless waste, our unchecked consumption and our appalling ignorance of anyplace in the world except our own little corner must continue-or they win! No, when you become smarter and less gluttonous, you win. We all win!

Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler.

Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it!

Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply.

We should stop worrying so much about the price of gasoline and start considering its cost. You really want to be patriotic? Don't change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car.

We preach about capitalism and the beauty of unfettered market forces determining price-but not when it comes to gas. When it comes to gas, we need it cheap, and the president had better get it for us, or else, we don't care how.

Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed.

This is the opposite of the free market.

He sold Syria way better than he sold this.

Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.

New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House-until you consider the end zone is between Clinton's semen stain and where Bush OD'd on a pretzel.

New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit?

I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.

New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, "In God We Trust.

New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.

Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag-they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.

Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!

New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself-you're not drunk enough.

New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi.

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.

My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.

Share Page

Bill Maher Wiki

Bill Maher At Amazon