Groucho Marx Quotes

Groucho Marx Quotes

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Humor is reason gone mad.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.

Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

Trovo la televisione molto educativa. Ogni volta che qualcuno la accende, vado in biblioteca e leggo un buon libro.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.


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