Groucho Marx Quotes

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Humor is reason gone mad.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.