Steven Wright Quotes


Type: Comedian, actor, writer

Born: December 6, 1955


Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Steven Wright Quotes

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

A metaphor is like a simile.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

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