George Carlin Quotes

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It’s a matter of how you pick them.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Electricity is really just organized lightning

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.

Life is tough, then you die.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

No art is possible without a dance with death.

[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

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