Humour Quotes
Peter Ustinov
I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.
1050 Rabindranath Tagore
YOU are the big drop of dew under the lotus leaf,
I am the smaller one on its upper side,'
said the dewdrop to the lake.
4713 Niels Bohr
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
2315 Johnny Depp
If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.
1275 Stephanie Lennox
I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?
2118 Jess C. Scott
Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.
3534 Jess C. Scott
A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement
1687 Marian Keyes
Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.
2000 Jess C. Scott
I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?
1339 Jess C. Scott
V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.
2512 Jess C. Scott
My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.
2982 Jess C. Scott
Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.
4590 Nick Hornby
Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't.
1709 Douglas Adams
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
3640 C. JoyBell C.
I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!
4568 George Carlin
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
1726 Lili St. Crow
Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
3668 Roman Payne
In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.
3097 Douglas Adams
And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before-and thus was the Empire forged.
1964 Robert Orben
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
3072 Jess C. Scott
I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?
2502 Anne Rice
Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing.
4872 E.A. Bucchianeri
One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.
3368 Roman Payne
When I touched her body,
I believed she was God.
In the curves of her form
I found the birth of Man,
the creation of the world,
and the origin of all life.
2557 Huntley Fitzpatrick
I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.
4429 Huntley Fitzpatrick
Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.
4896 Huntley Fitzpatrick
When I turn back to Jase, he’s again beaming at me. “You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.
2634 Huntley Fitzpatrick
Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, “I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”
Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.
3725 Sharon Sant
Being amongst rough lives and confusion does not make you less, it only makes your beauty shine out more clearly.
4359 Nick Hastings
Kurt pick his way around testing for heat before taking each step and avoiding places where the ash was heaps up.
3357 Jess C. Scott
If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.
3669 Roman Payne
The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten.
4563 Christopher Hitchens
Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.
2159 Joss Whedon
Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.
1317 Gustave Flaubert
I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
3327 Flannery O'Connor
Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them.
2825 Steve Coogan
I love Sherlock Holmes. I've got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. Not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That's why I admire him.
4519 John Patrick Lowrie
Polysyllables obfuscate a preponderant ignorance with so much more style and panache.
4887 Samuel Johnson
While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best.
1248 Hilaire Belloc
No, she laughed." How on earth could that be done? If you try to laugh and say ‘No’ at the same time, it sounds like neighing - yet people are perpetually doing it in novels. If they did it in real life they would be locked up.
2960 P.G. Wodehouse
The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.
1704 Peter James West
Sometimes the body gets out of bed an hour before the brain.
4947 E.A. Bucchianeri
If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.
4640 Zack Love
Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.
4688 Jefferson Smith
You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.
4495 Jefferson Smith
Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?
2917 C. JoyBell C.
People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
1998 Jefferson Smith
She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.
1394 Carla Foft
...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture...
4493 Zack Love
People should think that being a writer is cool. Even if you’re just a starving writer. Besides, most great writers were starving at one point or another. It comes with the title.
1707 Aaron D'Este
Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!!
3516 Matthew Crow
Grandma's house had the atmosphere of a Tupperware box left out in the sun. Like a tropical flower, she had to be kept warm and moist at all times, or she would wilt and die.
2110 Honeya
When People in sales are at work, they are at war.
2044 Robert Galbraith
Fancourt can't write women,' said Nina dismissively. 'He tries but he can't do it. His women are all temper, tits and tampons.
3728 Liz Czukas
It's just...how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.
1764 Alan Dapre
I tried to think outside the box but couldn't open the lid.
3541 Sara Sheridan
Everyone assumes writers spend their time lounging around, writing and occasionally striking a pose whilst having a think.
4120 Sara Sheridan
Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!
3502 Sara Sheridan
I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.
1339 Deepak Rana
The world has seen more believers in times of troubles than in peace and joy.
1545 E.A. Bucchianeri
Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...
3339 Erica Sehyun Song
The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.
3498 Mary Papas
David had left her,taking his insane jealousy with him.
1824 Danish Sayanee
Writing is dream we must know the correct words to fulfill it.
2241 Bill Hicks
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it
2595 Neil Gaiman
Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.
1107 Ian Livingstone
Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail.
4780 Ian Livingstone
Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,' Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he'd beaten down the riverman to a decent price for conveying himself and Anvar to Lankarn.
4336 Cecelia Ahern
Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn't want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and present it to someone special, for it's the first thing to come straight from his heart in a very long time.
4482 Habeeb Akande
Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.
3541 Darynda Jones
I had a horrible feeling my leg was broken. If it wasn’t, it had a lot of explaining to do.
2353 John Zakour
I remembered the last time I put this thing into my eye it was more painful than watching old political speeches while listening to the “Macarena” and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp.
2208 Katie McGarry
Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.
2134 Elizabeth Newton
I don't know if you've ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it's not a pleasant experience, as I'm sure you can imagine.
3570 Jenny Han
Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.
4676 George Saunders
Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.
2887 P.G. Wodehouse
What ho!" I said.
"What ho!" said Motty.
"What ho! What ho!"
"What ho! What ho! What ho!"
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
3001 Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
2053 Colleen Hoover
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
1683 Eoin Colfer
Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!
1773 Ron White
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
3093 Dave Barry
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
2010 Gemma Halliday
I'll go," he said.
"And that's safer because?"
"I'm a guy."
"Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?
4246 Darynda Jones
At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.
2118 Gemma Halliday
That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!
4307 Aleister Crowley
I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.
4693 Rowena Cherry
Rhett: If you've made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction.
4179