Humour Quotes

Peter Ustinov

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

Rabindranath Tagore

YOU are the big drop of dew under the lotus leaf,
I am the smaller one on its upper side,'
said the dewdrop to the lake.

Niels Bohr

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

Brendan Behan

I am a drinker with writing problems.

Johnny Depp

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

Stephanie Lennox

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being
I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Jess C. Scott

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long. Good things
Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.

Good things come to those who wait.

Jess C. Scott

A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement. Jess C. Scott
A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement

Marian Keyes

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

Jess C. Scott

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

Jess C. Scott

V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care
V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.

Jess C. Scott

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

Jess C. Scott

Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.

Nick Hornby

Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't.

Douglas Adams

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.. Douglas Adams
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

C. JoyBell C.

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if
I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

Jess C. Scott

The human body is the best work of art.. Jess C. Scott
The human body is the best work of art.

George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Stephen King

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.. Stephen King
FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

Lili St. Crow

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

Jess C. Scott

Please, touch me, I pray.

Roman Payne

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.. Roman Payne
In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

Douglas Adams

And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that
And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before-and thus was the Empire forged.

Robert Orben

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Jess C. Scott

I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

Anne Rice

Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing.

Jefferson Smith

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

E.A. Bucchianeri

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

Roman Payne

When I touched her body,
I believed she was God.
In the curves of her form
I found the birth of Man,
the creation of the world,
and the origin of all life.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

When I turn back to Jase, he’s again beaming at me. “You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, “I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”
Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.

Sharon Sant

Being amongst rough lives and confusion does not make you less, it only makes your beauty shine out more clearly.

Nick Hastings

Kurt pick his way around testing for heat before taking each step and avoiding places where the ash was heaps up.

Jess C. Scott

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

Isobelle Carmody

Maruman does not loll.

Roman Payne

The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten.

Christopher Hitchens

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay..
Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

Joss Whedon

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Gustave Flaubert

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

Flannery O'Connor

Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them.

Steve Coogan

I love Sherlock Holmes. I've got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. Not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That's why I admire him.

John Patrick Lowrie

Polysyllables obfuscate a preponderant ignorance with so much more style and panache.

Samuel Johnson

While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best.

Hilaire Belloc

No, she laughed." How on earth could that be done? If you try to laugh and say ‘No’ at the same time, it sounds like neighing - yet people are perpetually doing it in novels. If they did it in real life they would be locked up.

P.G. Wodehouse

The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.

Peter James West

Sometimes the body gets out of bed an hour before the brain.

E.A. Bucchianeri

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

Zack Love

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

Jefferson Smith

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.

Jefferson Smith

Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?

C. JoyBell C.

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with
People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.

Jefferson Smith

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

Carla Foft

...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture...

Jefferson Smith

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

Jasper Fforde

Another one of your quippy japes?

Zack Love

People should think that being a writer is cool. Even if you’re just a starving writer. Besides, most great writers were starving at one point or another. It comes with the title.

Aaron D'Este

Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!!

Matthew Crow

Grandma's house had the atmosphere of a Tupperware box left out in the sun. Like a tropical flower, she had to be kept warm and moist at all times, or she would wilt and die.

Arthur Daley

The world is your lobster!

Honeya

When People in sales are at work, they are at war.

Robert Galbraith

Fancourt can't write women,' said Nina dismissively. 'He tries but he can't do it. His women are all temper, tits and tampons.

Liz Czukas

It's just...how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.

Sara Sheridan

He often came back ‘all thinky’ from work.

Alan Dapre

I tried to think outside the box but couldn't open the lid.

Sara Sheridan

Everyone assumes writers spend their time lounging around, writing and occasionally striking a pose whilst having a think.

Sara Sheridan

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!

Sara Sheridan

I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

Deepak Rana

The world has seen more believers in times of troubles than in peace and joy.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

Kingsley Amis

America takes her writers too seriously.

Erica Sehyun Song

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

Mary Papas

David had left her,taking his insane jealousy with him.

Danish Sayanee

Writing is dream we must know the correct words to fulfill it.

Bill Hicks

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

Neil Gaiman

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

Ian Livingstone

Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail.

Ian Livingstone

Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,' Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he'd beaten down the riverman to a decent price for conveying himself and Anvar to Lankarn.

Cecelia Ahern

Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn't want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and present it to someone special, for it's the first thing to come straight from his heart in a very long time.

Habeeb Akande

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

Darynda Jones

I had a horrible feeling my leg was broken. If it wasn’t, it had a lot of explaining to do.

John Zakour

I remembered the last time I put this thing into my eye it was more painful than watching old political speeches while listening to the “Macarena” and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Katie McGarry

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

Elizabeth Newton

I don't know if you've ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it's not a pleasant experience, as I'm sure you can imagine.

E.A. Bucchianeri

There is much to discover that's not on the back cover!

Jenny Han

Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.

George Saunders

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

P.G. Wodehouse

What ho!" I said.
"What ho!" said Motty.
"What ho! What ho!"
"What ho! What ho! What ho!"
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Colleen Hoover

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

Eoin Colfer

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!

Ron White

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Dave Barry

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Gemma Halliday

I'll go," he said.
"And that's safer because?"
"I'm a guy."
"Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?

Darynda Jones

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

Diana Wynne Jones

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

Gemma Halliday

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!

Aleister Crowley

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Rowena Cherry

Rhett: If you've made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction.

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