Joke Quotes
Rick Riordan
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
4396Santosh Kalwar
I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.
2752 Elizabeth Englewood
Now if only I could spread the love between you two like I can spread this butter.
2966 Joss Whedon
Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.
1317 Ram Mohan
People tend to take things spoken as a joke seriously and things spoken seriously as a joke.
4018 Sol Luckman
Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.
1578 Michelle Hodkin
Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?'
'I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?'
'Elvish.
1074 Raymond Carver
Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.
4476 J.K. Rowling
And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina - it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...
3430 Hermann Hesse
In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.
3313 H.L. Mencken
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
1926 Louis C.K.
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.
3791 Tom Robbins
In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that's continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The soul is the punch line.
1699 G.K. Chesterton
The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.
4442 H.L. Mencken
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
4212 Chanelle Gray
Hey,” he said.
“Hi.” Oh, damn. It was awkward.
“What’re you doing?”
“Shearing a sheep. It’s cold outside, and I need a new hat.”
He paused. “You’re joking, right?”
“Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.
1801 Brandon Nolta
Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke.
1067 Ilona Andrews
When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.
I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?
2020 Mark Twain
The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories - and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.
4738 Richelle Mead
Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?
4678 David Sedaris
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...
1621 Jean Ferris
C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?
Out of the way. - Marigold
3705 Santosh Kalwar
Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.
3205 M.K. Bhutta
If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere.
4796 J.K. Rowling
One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.
2950 Christopher Hitchens
An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.
3997 Honeya
If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.
4422 Oliver Oliver Reed
Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.
4895 Oliver Oliver Reed
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
1126 Oliver Oliver Reed
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
2172 Oliver Oliver Reed
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
2982 Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
3877 Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!
1107 Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.
3609 Oliver Oliver Reed
If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.
3834 Oliver Oliver Reed
What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?
-About 20 pounds.
-Yo mama carries more passengers.
-Not everyone's been on a 747.
1419 Honeya
Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..
1931 Honeya
Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.
4009 Honeya
The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.
4924 Santosh Kalwar
You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.
1473 Munia Khan
Laugh until you cry;
never let your eyes look dry
This is not a matter of joke;
this is all to provoke
our sense of humour
Life is its own consumer!
2466 Kevin Sylvester
WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
Ah. I see we are now into the second movement of the Nakamura Suite in G-Minor!
2627 Kevin Sylvester
Nakamura considered this. "I hesitate to agree, but that was probably a good idea."
"A compliment! My goodness, let me mark the day on my calendar!"
"That's why I hesitated to agree," Nakamura said with a note of weariness.
4565 Kevin Sylvester
No time for jokes," Nakamura said. "Is Neil there?"
"Let's just say I'm Sleeping Beauty's personal assistant right now."
"I guess that makes you Waking Ugly?"
"I thought you said this was no time for jokes. That was a joke, right?
3764 Kevin Sylvester
Where have you been?" he asked slowly.
"Um, in the bathroom, mostly," Larry said. Let's just say my plumbing is not working any better than Mexico City's.
1699 Michael Bassey Johnson
Short men are happy, for they can pass easily through the door. Tall men are happy, for they can stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, short men are angry, for they cannot stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, tall men are angry, for they cannot pass easily through the door.
4707 Jonathan Tropper
Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.
4679 Santosh Kalwar
Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited.
4024 Honoré De Balzac
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
3361 Honeya
Everyone says "i will never" and "one should never" but, actually, "No one can Resist Miss-using Power (at-least ones) when they have it".
4605 Ernest Rutherford
I've just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I'd finished I said to myself, 'Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.' (1911)
4167 Mary Virginia Provines
There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell you, those who do not, and there are some, are in the wrong profession.
4988 Banksy
The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.
1678 Rick Riordan
Getting some redecorating ideas?’ Nico asked. ‘Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.’
Hades arched an eyebrow. ‘I can never tell when you’re joking.
1108 Michael Bassey Johnson
People will say,"there's heaven and hell", and they take it so serious that they look so sorrowful with penitence. I would rather ask them to show me the route that leads to heaven or hell.
3248 Sarah Dessen
I didn't pretend to know Eli at all, but even so, I'd noticed that his manner was slightly hard to read. It was something in the way he talked that made it difficult to tell whether he was kidding or serious or what. This bothered me. Or intrigued me. Or both.
2732 Rick Riordan
Just don't ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we'll get along great.
2991 Elizabeth Englewood
You are drunk,” Andria breathes.
The prince raises his head high. “I am enlightened.
1854 
