Joke Quotes

Rick Riordan

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

Santosh Kalwar

I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.

Elizabeth Englewood

Now if only I could spread the love between you two like I can spread this butter.

Joss Whedon

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Ram Mohan

People tend to take things spoken as a joke seriously and things spoken seriously as a joke.

Sol Luckman

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.. Sol Luckman
Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

Michelle Hodkin

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?'
'I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?'

Raymond Carver

Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.

J.K. Rowling

And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina - it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...

Hermann Hesse

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

H.L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Louis C.K.

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.

Tom Robbins

In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that's continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The soul is the punch line.

G.K. Chesterton

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

H.L. Mencken

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Santosh Kalwar

Happiness is a big joke; let us laugh at it loud.

Chanelle Gray

Hey,” he said.
“Hi.” Oh, damn. It was awkward.
“What’re you doing?”
“Shearing a sheep. It’s cold outside, and I need a new hat.”
He paused. “You’re joking, right?”
“Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

Brandon Nolta

Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke.

Ilona Andrews

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.
I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?

Mark Twain

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories - and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.

Richelle Mead

Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'

I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?

David Sedaris

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...

Jean Ferris

C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?
Out of the way. - Marigold

Santosh Kalwar

Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.

M.K. Bhutta

If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere.

J.K. Rowling

One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

Christopher Hitchens

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.


If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Oliver Oliver Reed

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Oliver Oliver Reed

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

Oliver Oliver Reed

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

Oliver Oliver Reed

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?
-About 20 pounds.
-Yo mama carries more passengers.
-Not everyone's been on a 747.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.


Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..


Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.


The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.

Santosh Kalwar

You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

Munia Khan

Laugh until you cry;
never let your eyes look dry
This is not a matter of joke;
this is all to provoke
our sense of humour
Life is its own consumer!

Dany Laferrière

Le Nègre selon National Geographic

Carla H. Krueger

Happy endings. *Groan*

Kevin Sylvester


Ah. I see we are now into the second movement of the Nakamura Suite in G-Minor!

Kevin Sylvester

Nakamura considered this. "I hesitate to agree, but that was probably a good idea."

"A compliment! My goodness, let me mark the day on my calendar!"

"That's why I hesitated to agree," Nakamura said with a note of weariness.

Kevin Sylvester

No time for jokes," Nakamura said. "Is Neil there?"

"Let's just say I'm Sleeping Beauty's personal assistant right now."

"I guess that makes you Waking Ugly?"

"I thought you said this was no time for jokes. That was a joke, right?

Kevin Sylvester

Where have you been?" he asked slowly.

"Um, in the bathroom, mostly," Larry said. Let's just say my plumbing is not working any better than Mexico City's.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Short men are happy, for they can pass easily through the door. Tall men are happy, for they can stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, short men are angry, for they cannot stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, tall men are angry, for they cannot pass easily through the door.

Jonathan Tropper

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

Santosh Kalwar

Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited.

Honoré De Balzac

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.


Everyone says "i will never" and "one should never" but, actually, "No one can Resist Miss-using Power (at-least ones) when they have it".

Ernest Rutherford

I've just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I'd finished I said to myself, 'Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.' (1911)

Mary Virginia Provines

There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell you, those who do not, and there are some, are in the wrong profession.

Albrecht Von Haller

Nature never jests.


The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.

Rick Riordan

Getting some redecorating ideas?’ Nico asked. ‘Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.’
Hades arched an eyebrow. ‘I can never tell when you’re joking.

Michael Bassey Johnson

People will say,"there's heaven and hell", and they take it so serious that they look so sorrowful with penitence. I would rather ask them to show me the route that leads to heaven or hell.

Sarah Dessen

I didn't pretend to know Eli at all, but even so, I'd noticed that his manner was slightly hard to read. It was something in the way he talked that made it difficult to tell whether he was kidding or serious or what. This bothered me. Or intrigued me. Or both.

Rick Riordan

Just don't ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we'll get along great.

Rea Lidde

I'm financially ugly.

Elizabeth Englewood

You are drunk,” Andria breathes.

The prince raises his head high. “I am enlightened.

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